Once upon a time there was a happy kingdom ruled by a king and queen. One winter day, the queen was sewing by a sunny window. You see, she had a pretty solid side-hustle selling handmade crafts on Etsy. As the queen gazed out upon her lands, she thought to herself, “I really wish I could have a little daughter so I could teach her about needlework and also how to run a successful female-owned business.”
Alas, her wish came true. The queen soon became pregnant and she gave birth to a healthy baby girl with skin as white as the snowy hills surrounding the kingdom.
Her father said, “What if we call her Snow White?”
But her mother replied, “Who names a kid after their complexion? No, we’re gonna call her Sue after her grandmother.”
And the king wisely agreed that was a much better idea.
So the princess, Sue White, grew up to be smart and strong and very much her own person.
She didn’t look like the other princesses. And to be honest, she wasn’t trying to. Her eyebrows were large and thick, like two sleeping caterpillars. And her ears poked out, like a car driving down the street with its doors slightly open. And her palest of pale skin forced her to wear 90 SPF moisturizer at all times because cancer is no joke, even in fairy tales.
Then, there was her unique style. While her contemporaries wore frilly gowns and formal dresses, Sue had the royal tailor make her a closet full of men’s suits, which she liked to wear with her favorite pair of white high-top sneakers.
The point is, Sue White did things her own way and people thought that was pretty cool. Well, most people. Which brings us back to the story.
One day Sue’s mother had to leave for a very long, in-depth conference about digital marketing for small businesses. While she was gone, the queen’s sister would fill in and help run the castle. The only problem with Sue White’s aunt, though, was that she was VERY shallow. Which is to say, she cared more about how she looked than how she treated people.
Not surprisingly, the aunt’s prized possession was a mirror. A magical mirror. Every morning she looked into it and asked, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who in this land is fairest of all?”
The magical mirror never lied, and for years it had been telling her that she was the fairest in all the land.
See what I mean? Shallow. But anyway….
One fateful morning the mirror finally had a different answer. It said that Sue White had become the fairest.
Upon hearing this news, the aunt flew into a terrible rage. She simply didn’t understand it. Sue didn’t tweeze her eyebrows. She didn’t wear the latest fashions. Some days she didn’t even wash her hair. How on earth could Sue be the fairest of all?
The magical mirror began to explain how real beauty was far more than just how you look, but the aunt wasn’t really feeling a lecture at the moment. She stormed out of her bedroom in search of the royal huntsman, then commanded him to take Sue into the forest and make her disappear…forever. And so the huntsman did as he was commanded. But along the way, he and Sue White had a really interesting conversation about axe sharpening and general hatchet maintenance. In the end, he decided that he couldn’t harm such a well-read, interesting young woman. So he told her to run off into the forest and never come back.
Sue wandered through the dark, creepy forest for hours until she came upon a cozy little cottage. Cautiously she walked up to the door and knocked. Once, twice, three times. There was no answer. She turned the doorknob. It was unlocked.
Inside she discovered a very messy scene. It looked like a bunch of children were living together in the small cottage and hadn’t cleaned up in a long, long time. Clothes were strewn all over the place, dishes were unwashed, and alarmingly large dust bunnies gathered in the corners.
“Gross,” Sue thought to herself. She considered leaving, but her hunger got the better of her and she went scrounging for some bread in the cupboard. After eating she decided to lie down for a little nap.
When she awoke, Sue screamed with fright. For seven small faces were looking down at her.
“Who, exactly, are you?” asked the oldest of the dwarfs.
“My name is Sue White,” she replied. “I was lost in the forest and stopped inside your cottage for some food. Hope that’s okay.”
The dwarfs huddled for a second then the oldest replied, “Yeah, that’s okay. We’ve got an offer for you.”
“Do tell,” said Sue.
“How would you like to stay with us and be our 8th roommate? All you have to do is clean the house every day while we’re working in the mines and then cook our meals when we’re home.”
Sue White laughed out loud. “What do I look like, your maid? No way, boys. I’ve got a counter offer. How about you let me stay here, I’ll pay my fair share of the rent, and you seven clean up your own mess.”
Once again, the seven dwarfs huddled and discussed amongst themselves. After several minutes of whispering back and forth, they had an answer.
“Okay,” said the dwarf, “equal roommates.”
Sue shook hands with each of them, making good eye contact and using firm grip pressure. They had themselves a deal.
Over the next few days, things went pretty well and the dwarfs even started cleaning up the place. Back at the castle, however, the mood was much darker. After the woodsman returned, Sue’s aunt believed that her niece was, indeed, gone forever. For several days she didn’t even talk to the magical mirror. But eventually she couldn’t help herself. “Mirror, mirror on the wall,” she said, “who in this land is fairest of all?”
The mirror replied, “Sorry to burst your bubble, but Sue White is still alive aaaand she’s even cooler and more charming than before.”
Realizing that the woodsman had betrayed her, Sue’s aunt decided to take matters into her own obsessively manicured hands. She dressed up as an old beggar woman and headed to the forest with a basket full of poisoned apples. When she reached the dwarfs’ cottage she saw Sue White through the window, all alone.
In a raspy old voice, the woman said, “Hello, hello, is anyone there to buy some of my delicious apples?” Sue White walked up to the door and cracked it open ever so slightly.
“We’re all good on apples, thanks,” said Sue.
“But I’m an old woman with no money, please buy some of my tasty apples.”
“Well,” said Sue, “I guess you should have saved more money for retirement. And also, you’re clearly my aunt wearing a really bad disguise and I’ll bet those apples are poisoned.”
Caught off guard, the old woman tried to gather herself and replied, “What? No. These apples are definitely NOT poisoned. Who would EVER poison an apple? That’s ridiculous.”
“Okay, prove it,” said Sue.
The beggar-woman hesitated for a moment before taking a teeny tiny little bite of the apple. Within seconds she fell to the ground in a cursed, eternal sleep.
Sue could only roll her eyes. How dumb did her aunt think she was?
Just then the sound of thundering hooves echoed through the forest. A small band of knights appeared on horseback with a young prince leading the way. He took notice of the evil aunt lying there on the ground.
“Did she try the ‘ol poisoned apple from a beggarwoman trick?” asked the prince.
Sue White nodded.
“Pathetic” he said. “How dumb does she think you are?”
“My thoughts, exactly,” said Sue.
“Hey, I’ve got two tickets to a really chill minstrel concert tonight,” the Prince said casually. “Any chance you might like to go with me? No pressure.”
Sue White gave it a think. Truth be told, the dwarfs were sweet but not the best conversationalists. She really needed a break from talking about ore-mining…every…single…night.
“Okay, I’ll go to see the concert with you,” she replied to the prince. “Pick me up at 6 o’clock sharp and bring an extra horse because I don’t like clinging onto a stranger’s back. Oh and I’m not dressing up or anything.”
“Sounds fair to me,” said the prince, “and thank you for agreeing to be my guest.”
Later that night, Sue and the prince had a wonderful time listening to minstrel music and they both continued dating each other respectfully ever after, through at least the end of the month.